A Couples Therapist Reviews "Fair Play" by Eve Rodsky

an image of the cover of Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

Eve Rodsky's "Fair Play" is a guide for changing the way we handle domestic and emotional labor. It provides practical strategies for couples, but has some limitations in its approach. While it excels in providing structure and clarity, there is room for improvement in handling conflicts and disagreements. The language of the book also fails to be inclusive of LGBT and same-sex couples.

Fair Play: A Tool for Balancing Household Work

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"Fair Play" kicks off with a truth bomb: the unfair division of household labor leads to exhaustion and strained relationships. Rodsky describes chaos that results when one partner shoulders most of the work in running a household. She uses examples that are relatable, and often humorous. Why is it that one partner seems to be the responsive one to every household need? Everything from getting the dog to the groomer to calling a plumber to renewing insurance. Some tasks may be small, but they add up to a lot of work. This invisible work can create a lot of resentment when not appreciated.

Rodksy then offers a solution: a structured negotiation of 100 tasks that households with children must address. She also offers a pared-down version for couples without kids. These tasks include everything from weeknight meals and dishes to emergency prep and estate planning. She also makes self-care, socializing, and hobbies non-negotiable tasks. From there, the book offers a system using cards, facilitating a tangible method for balancing contributions.

Identifying Why Imbalances In Workload Happen

The early pages of the book review why so many relationships have an imbalance in domestic labor. In straight couples, it's often the woman who does the lion's share of the work. Rodsky calls this the "she-fault" (instead of default) mode of housework.

To understand why so many women take on so much work, she explores toxic messages we often internalize around the value of our time and energy. For example, partners that work in the home may believe their time isn't as valuable as their income-earning spouse. Some people may believe they're better at multitasking than their partner. And some believe that a task won't be done well unless they do it themselves. Rodsky offers rebuttals to all these myths. This sets the stage to start deconstructing the status-quo.

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Encouraging Communication

The "Fair Play" system is meant to spark productive discussions. This can be helpful for couples looking to establish a fairer distribution of labor. It also seeks to end resentment from the partner who shoulders most of the work. But it doesn't address some of the communication pitfalls couples often fall into. As couples therapists, we know a thing or two about those pitfalls. They even have a dramatic name: The Four Horsemen Of The Relationship Apocalypse. And boy can they be deadly.

Unicorn Space

Rodsky suggests that both members of a couple must claim their right to be interesting. She insists that even the busiest people pursue their hobbies. If one person loses themselves in domestic labor, the relationship starts to fizzle. Everyone has a right to do things they love, no matter how many dishes there are or how much laundry needs to be done. We can't give up our joy for the daily grind. But many people do.

Navigating the Complexity of Emotional Labor

"Fair Play" might not fully grasp the intricacies of emotional labor. Emotional labor often extends beyond tasks and varies from one relationship to another. A more nuanced exploration of emotional labor would have deepened the book's insights.

Prevention vs. Remediation

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The "Fair Play" system can be used in a few ways. It was designed as remedial tool for established couples. But it could also be used for couples just starting out. Couples can use the system to set clear expectations and divide up tasks from the very beginning of their partnership. By doing so, they can prevent the resentment and imbalances that often plague relationships.

"Fair Play" is equally valuable for couples who need a system overhaul. For those seeking to fix imbalances and tensions, the system offers a strategy. It provides a structure for reevaluating roles, disparities, and initiating constructive conversations. It stands to reason that it could save a few relationships where resentment over household work has reached a boiling point.

A Missing Perspective: LGBT Couples

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A glaring omission in "Fair Play" is its lack of consideration for LGBT couples and same-sex couples. The book makes a lot of gendered assumptions. It neglects the diverse experiences and needs of gay and lesbian couples. The book's presumption that domestic labor is mainly done by women doesn't reflect the realities faced by many couples. Fair partnerships transcend gender.

Also Missing: Cultural Considerations

Rodsky’s premise lies in a very Western-based cultural framework. While in most of the world domestic labor does fall to women, there are certain cultures where Fair Play would be received poorly. Initiating some of the conversations the book suggests might be seen as disrespectful and disruptive. While there is certainly a place for advocating for women’s rights and the fair distribution of labor across the world, this book utterly fails to consider cultural influences on couples’ decisions.

The Missing Tools: Handling Fights and Disagreements

While "Fair Play" provides a system for sharing household work, it has some limitations. When it comes to handling conflicts and disagreements that arise because of the system, it offers little guidance. Conflict is normal. But couples need effective tools to navigate these moments successfully. The system has the potential to trigger some nasty arguments.

Helpful tools might include techniques for active listening and reflecting what your partner is saying. It might also include guidance for how to take breaks and cool down when tensions rise. Couples who already have good communication skills and use the "Fair Play" system will have a much easier time. But for those who struggle, Fair Play might be pouring lighter fluid on a fire.

The Role of Couples Therapy with Fair Play

While "Fair Play" provides a framework for rebalancing workload, couples therapy may still be necessary. Couples therapy can be particularly beneficial when:

There are deep-seated communication issues hindering the application of the "Fair Play" system.
Resentment, emotional distance, or unresolved conflicts have significantly strained the relationship.
Couples face specific challenges not adequately addressed by the system, such as trauma or complex histories.

In these cases, a skilled couples therapist can help navigate the emotional parts of using "Fair Play." A good therapist can help them develop effective communication strategies. Couples therapy can enhance the effect of "Fair Play" by addressing the emotional issues underneath.

Fair Play: A Valuable Resource for Couples - with Considerations

In summary, "Fair Play" offers a tool for couples striving to create a fairer division of domestic and emotional labor. The book presents a structured and accessible method for initiating crucial conversations. But further support is needed in addressing conflict, improving communication, and making the language applicable to LGBT couples.