Dealing With Difficult In-Laws: Advice From A Couples Therapist

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They say that why you marry someone, you marry their family. While some in-laws become beloved members of your extended family, others present challenges. It takes skill to navigate these complexities while preserving the unity of your chosen family. Let's explore various types of challenging in-laws and how to communicate with your spouse.

Why In-Law Relationships Can Be So Challenging

In-law relationships can be hard because they create tension between one spouse's past and present. If someone feels their spouse is always siding with their parents, things get messy fast. For the person whose parents create tension, it's very difficult to know what to do. Ultimately, it feels like having to choose between two parts of your family. No matter what you do, someone will be disappointed. That's a hard position to be in.

Different Types of Challenging In-Laws

The Overbearing In-Law

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Sarah's mother-in-law, Marjorie, insists on overseeing every aspect of Sarah and Krista's parenting. She constantly offers parenting advice and criticizes their choices in discipline and feeding. She even criticizes the baby's name. She often drops by unannounced and rearranges the nursery or kitchen. While she loves her grandchild, her constant interference leaves Sarah and Krista feeling disrespected as parents. They struggle to balance Marjorie's role as a grandparent with maintaining their autonomy as parents.

The Distant In-Law

Chris's father-in-law, Leonard, is an introverted and distant figure in their lives. He rarely communicates with Chris or his wife and rarely attends family gatherings. This emotional distance makes Chris feel isolated from that side of the family. Leonard's reticence creates tension during family events. Chris wonders whether he's done something to offend or exclude Leonard. The challenge here is fostering a sense of inclusion without pushing Leonard away further.

The Judgmental In-Law

Sylvia and Harold disapprove of Celeste and Hector's career choices. During family gatherings, Sylvia and Harold often question their decision to pursue careers in the arts. They make critical remarks about the instability and impracticality of their chosen paths. These comments create feelings of insecurity in Celeste and Hector, creating tension in their marriage. The challenge lies in managing these feelings while dealing with ongoing criticism.

The Meddling In-Law

Gwen and Max often find Gwen's parents, Rosalind and Edwin, meddling in their finances. Rosalind and Edwin offer unsolicited advice and push them to make investments they aren't comfortable with. They've even made investments on Gwen and Max's behalf without permission. These intrusions create tension as Gwen and Max try to preserve their financial independence.

What To Do If Your Parents Are The Problem

Research shows the most important thing for spouses while dealing with in-laws is feeling like a united front. Even if your parents never change their behavior, your spouse needs to feel chosen.

Empathize With Your Spouse

Even if you don't see things as black-and-white as your spouse, you need to extend empathy for how difficult the situation is. When your partner feels seen and heard, your marriage is stronger.

Stand Together

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The most important thing for your marriage is for you and your spouse to prioritize each other as your chosen family unit. Be each other's advocates and support systems. When addressing issues with in-laws, present a united front. This sends a clear message that you both value your relationship and will work together to resolve conflicts. It also sets a boundary with your parents that your spouse can't set alone.

Differentiate Your Chosen Family From Your Family of Origin

Prioritizing your chosen family might create conflict with your extended family. Differentiating between your family of origin and your chosen family is a natural part of establishing your own identity. It's difficult, but it's an important task for the health of your marriage.

Take Lead On Communicating Boundaries To Your Parents

Your spouse doesn't haven't the relationship you have with your parents. It would likely create more problems if they were to set boundaries with your parents alone. It might be uncomfortable, but it's your job to take lead here.

Remember, the most important thing is that your spouse feels you are making an effort to set boundaries with your parent. Even if your parent doesn’t change, your spouse needs to know you’re on their side.

What To Do If Your Spouse's Parents Are The Problem

Recognize That Your Spouse Is In A Difficult Situation

It would be great if all conflict was black and white and there was a clear path forward. While it may seem that way to you, your spouse has a different and longer relationship with their parents. Even if they logically know they need to stick up for you, it can be really difficult. Empathize with that difficulty even if that path forward is clear to you.

Communicate Your Feelings and Needs Calmly

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It's hard when things get heated and emotions are high. Understand that these challenges can be emotionally charged for both of you. Using I statements, explain as objectively as you can what is happening and what you would like to see happen.

Ask Your Spouse To Prioritize Their Chosen Family

We don't choose our families, but we choose our spouses. One of the reasons dealing with in-laws can be so hard is because loyalties feel divided. Talk to your spouse about needing to feel chosen and protected.

Reinforce Progress When They Stand Up To Their Parents

When they do speak up or ask for change from their parents, be sure to express explicit appreciation. Even if you feel like it's too little too late, reinforce their effort so they keep ding it.

Effective Communication with Your Spouse About In-Laws

No matter which parent is the problem, these strategies are bound to help you make progress toward being on the same page.

Open Dialogue

Initiate a calm and open conversation with your spouse about the challenges you're both facing. Encourage them to share their perspective as well. Remember to use I statements and avoid blaming or criticizing.

Listening Actively

Practice active listening when your spouse discusses their feelings or concerns about family. Ask clarifying questions. Remember that your body language, facial expressions, and tone say more than your words.

Validation and Empathy

Validate each other's emotions and experiences. If you're struggling to access empathy, do some reflection on your own. Communication is unlikely to be successful if you can't empathize. You don't have to 100% agree with someone to feel empathy.

Set Boundaries Together

Together, establish clear and healthy boundaries with your extended family. Boundaries are not about pushing someone away or cutting ties. Boundaries are put in place to establish standards for everyone can get their needs met. Decide how and when to communicate these boundaries to the involved parties.

Challenging in-law relationships can test the strength of your marriage. But it is possoble to address the complexities while fostering a loving and united home. It's not about cutting ties, but about creating a healthy balance between your past and your future.

How Couples Therapy Can Help With Complex In-Law Relationships

Dealing with in-law relationships can be a big source of stress in a marriage. While the strategies above can be helpful, couples therapy provides a structured way to address complex dynamics.

Coriann Papazian, LMFT

Coriann is a licensed therapist working with couples in California & Florida using Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Facilitating Constructive Communication Through Couples Therapy

It would be great if couples were always on the same page about in-laws. But we know that's not always the case. Couples therapy is a space where both partners can openly discuss their feelings and concerns about their in-laws. A trained Gottman therapist can guide these conversations to ensure they remain productive.

Conflict Resolution In Couples Therapy

Alexis Bibler, AMFT

Alexis is a registered therapist in California working with couples using Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Sometimes conflicts with in-laws can escalate quickly. A couples therapist shelps couples navigate disputes and find satisfactory resolutions. This prevents issues from festering and damaging the relationship.

Identifying Underlying Issues In Couples Therapy

In some instances, conflicts with in-laws may be symptomatic of deeper issues within the marriage. A couples therapist can help identify these underlying problems and work with you to address them effectively.

Learning Coping Strategies In Couples Therapy

Therapists offer practical coping strategies to manage the toll of challenging in-law relationships. This may include relaxation techniques, stress management strategies, and co-regulation.

Setting Boundaries and Assertiveness Training

Couples therapy can assist in setting and enforcing healthy boundaries with in-laws. Therapists can also provide assertiveness training, helping both partners communicate their needs and boundaries respectfully.

Enhancing Empathy and Understanding In Couples Therapy

A couples therapist can promote empathy and understanding between partners. This extends not only to how each partner feels about their in-laws but also to how they empathize with each other's experiences and emotions.

Strengthening the Marital Bond In Couples Therapy

By addressing in-law challenges through therapy, couples can strengthen their marital bond. They learn to rely on each other as a united front and build a deeper sense of partnership.

Preemptive Strategies

Couples therapy can also help couples develop strategies for preventing in-law conflicts. This proactive approach can prevent issues from arising in the first place.

Mediating Family Discussions

When you need to have a direct discussion with your in-laws, couples therapy can provide guidance on how to approach these conversations. A good couples therapist can help with strategies to remain constructive and respectful so you're more likely to be heard.

Healthy Boundaries With In-Laws Are Possible

Challenging in-law dynamics can place a lot of stress on a marriage. Couples therapy offers a way to work towards resolution and feeling more connected. By encouraging communication, conflict resolution, and coping strategies, therapy empowers couples to face challenges together.

Couples Therapy For Communication and Boundaries in California and Florida

If you’re ready to improve your communication, decrease conflict, and solve the in-law issue once and for all, schedule a free consultation to start couples therapy. Our expert couples therapists are ready to help.