How To Support An Anxious Person: What To Say And Not Say

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Dealing with anxiety can be tough, not only for the person going through it but also for those around them. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we might say things that unintentionally make anxiety worse. Here are fifteen things you should avoid saying to someone with anxiety and what to say instead.

Tone of Voice Matters

Even if you avoid some of the phrases below, you might undermine your positive intention by sounding frustrated. You could also communicate irritation with your body. Anxious people are highly attuned to others' nonverbal cues. Be sure you're truly calm and able to connect when having conversations about anxiety.

Avoiding Dismissive Phrases What Talking About Anxiety

Anxiety can be a tricky thing, and some phrases can actually make it harder for someone. Here are five common phrases that make anxiety worse by dismissing feelings.

1. "Just relax."

No one can relax on command. This phrase oversimplifies anxiety, making it sound as if the person can control their anxiety. Anxiety is a complex, uncontrollable emotion, and saying this can make the person feel misunderstood.

Instead of "Just relax," say: "I'm here for you."

Why this phrase is better: This alternative shows your support and understanding without invalidating their feelings. It acknowledges their anxiety and offers comfort.

2. "Calm down."

Has this every worked for anyone? No. Telling someone to calm down is dismissive, as it implies their anxiety is irrational. It can also increase their frustration because it's not as easy as flipping a switch to feel calm. If they could calm down at will, they would.

Instead of "Calm down," say: "Take your time."

Why this phrase is better: This phrase allows them to manage their emotions at their own pace and validates their experience.

3. "Don't worry about it."

If someone could simply stop worrying, they would. This phrase diminishes the person's concerns and can make them feel like their feelings are unimportant, which can increase their anxiety. If someone expresses a specific anxiety to you, it’s okay to offer specific reassurance. For example, if someone says "I'm worried I'm underdressed for this event." If you're confident their attire is appropriate, you can provide reassurance. But it's best when you can be specific, such as, "I think your outfit will fit in great." Be sure to tell the truth; the last thing you want to do is lie and lose an anxious person’s trust.

Instead of "Don't worry about it," say: "I care about how you feel."

Why this phrase is better: Expressing your concern shows that you value their emotions, and you're willing to listen.

4. "It's all in your head."

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Implying that anxiety is purely a mental construct minimizes the physical and emotional symptoms that usually go with it. It invalidates their experience.

Instead of "It's all in your head," say: "Anxiety can be really tough."

Why this phrase is better: This statement acknowledges the reality of their anxiety and shows empathy, making them feel understood.

5. "You're overreacting."

This phrase is invalidating and dismissive. It makes the person feel like their anxiety is unwarranted or excessive, which can worsen their feelings. It also shows that you're not sympathetic to their distress.

Instead of "You're overreacting," say: "It's okay to feel this way."

Why this phrase is better: This response normalizes their emotions and provides reassurance, which can help alleviate their anxiety.

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Don't Downplay Someone's Anxiety

6. "It's not a big deal."

This phrase downplays the significance of the person's anxiety and can make them feel like their feelings aren't valid or that they are overreacting.

Instead of "It's not a big deal," say: "I understand this is important to you” or “I love how invested you are in this.”

Why this phrase is better: This phrase respects their feelings and shows empathy, indicating that you value what matters to them.

7. "You're being too sensitive."

This statement invalidates the person's feelings and suggests they are inappropriate or exaggerated.

Instead of "You're being too sensitive," say: "Your feelings make sense."

Why this phrase is better: Validating their emotions reassures them that you respect their perspective and understand their experience.

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8. "It'll be fine, don't worry."

While intended to be reassuring, this phrase can inadvertently trivialize their concerns. It assumes that the person's anxiety is unwarranted.

Instead of "It'll be fine, don't worry," say: "We'll work through this together." Or, even better, offer a specific piece of reassurance. "Our friends care about you and won't think less of you because the dish you're bringing didn't turn out like you'd hoped." Or, "You're an incredible worker and you've put your all into this project."

Why this phrase is better: These phrases convey support and partnership, offering a sense of togetherness and understanding.

Respecting Boundaries and Autonomy Around Anxiety

9. "You should let me handle it."

This phrase can undermine the person's sense of autonomy and self-efficacy, which is important for their mental well-being. It also communicates that you don’t think they can handle something, which makes anxiety worse.

Instead of "You should let me handle it," say: "How can I best support you right now?"

Why this phrase is better: This question respects their autonomy and offers assistance on their terms, rather than imposing a solution.

10. "I know what's best for you."

Implying that you know what's best for someone with anxiety can be controlling and dismissive. It disregards their ability to make decisions about their own mental health.

Instead of "I know what's best for you," say: "You know yourself best."

Why this phrase is better: This statement empowers them to make decisions about their well-being and recognizes their self-awareness.

Avoid Offering Unsolicited Advice About Anxiety

It would be great if we could find a simple solution to someone else's suffering. But jumping right to solutions isn't as helpful as it seems. Here are some examples:

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12. "Have you tried yoga or meditation?"

Suggesting solutions like yoga or meditation without being asked can come across as dismissive of the severity of their anxiety or as if you think they haven't tried everything to manage it. It also implies a one-size-fits all solution to anxiety. In reality, what works for people is complex and individualized.

Instead of "Have you tried yoga or meditation?" say: "Is there anything that helps you when you're feeling anxious?"

Why this phrase is better: This question invites them to share their coping strategies, allowing them to guide the conversation. It also acknowledges how complex effective anxiety management can be. And finally, it empowers them to do things to help themselves.

13. "You need to toughen up."

This phrase is critical and unhelpful. It implies that the person is not trying hard enough to overcome their anxiety, which is far from the truth.

Instead of "You need to toughen up," say: "I admire your strength in facing anxiety." Or, "I can see how hard you're working to combat your anxiety."

Why these phrases are better: They acknowledges their resilience and determination, promoting a positive perspective. It helps them feel seen and understood, and like their efforts are acknowledged even when they're still anxious.

Be Mindful of Timing When Talking About Anxiety

14. "Can we talk about this later?"

While there are appropriate times to delay discussions, this phrase can feel like avoidance or invalidation of their current feelings.

Instead of "Can we talk about this later?" say: "This conversation is important to me, but I'm not able to give it my full attention right now. Can we find another time?" Then, actually follow up without being prompted.

Why it's better: This suggestion respects your need for a better time to discuss issues, without dismissing their concerns.

15. "You're ruining the mood."

This phrase dismisses the person's emotions and makes them feel like a burden, which can worsen their anxiety.

Instead of "You're ruining the mood," say: "I want to understand what you're going through, but I'm not in the right headspace right now."

Why it's better: This response is honest and ensures that the person with anxiety knows you care but need to address the issue when you can fully focus on it. It avoids invalidation. It also demonstrates how to set a boundary and gives them permission to do the same.

How To Use Empathetic Language When Talking To An Anxious Person

Using empathetic words can make a big difference. Try saying things like:

"This sucks. I wish I could do something to make it easier."

This acknowledges the difficulty of the situation and conveys a genuine desire to support the person with anxiety. It demonstrates a willingness to be there for them and the recognition that their struggle is real. It also shows a shared powerlessness over anxiety, making the person feel less alone.

"This is hard. I know you're making an effort."

This reinforces that you understand their feelings and appreciate their efforts. It offers validation, which can be incredibly reassuring to someone dealing with anxiety. These phrases communicate a sense of togetherness and empathy, creating a supportive and caring atmosphere.

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How To Encourage Someone To Talk About Their Anxiety

Creating a safe space for your partner to share their feelings is vital. Use phrases like:

"I appreciate you opening up to me."

This phrase is beneficial because it acknowledges the courage it takes to share one's feelings, especially for someone with anxiety. It conveys gratitude and signals that you are a safe and trustworthy person to confide in, which can promote open communication.

"We can work through this together."

This statement offers a sense of partnership and support. It shows that you're committed to facing the challenges of anxiety alongside them, fostering a strong, united front. It communicates that they don't have to navigate their anxiety alone.

"There's more to you than your anxiety, and I know that."

This phrase is empowering and uplifting. It reassures the person that you see them beyond their anxiety, emphasizing their value as a whole person. It affirms their identity and worth, which can be immensely comforting and validating for someone with anxiety.

No "But"s

Don't say one of the preferable phrases above followed by the word "but." That erases all the goodwill you've built up. If you have concerns about the impact of anxiety, figure out a way to communicate them without dismissal.

Supporting Someone With Anxiety

Understanding what not to say is a big step in helping someone with anxiety. By choosing your words carefully and being there for them, you can make a positive impact on their journey. Together, we can create a more empathetic and supportive environment.

Support For People With Anxiety

Encourage your loved one to seek help and offer your support. Therapy and medication can be life-changing for some people. Taking this step can be difficult, but your encouragement can make a big difference.

Therapy For Anxiety Options

Anxiety therapy can take various forms, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), EMDR, exposure therapy, medication, or a combination of approaches. We especially love holistic therapy for anxiety. Consult with a mental health professional to determine the best approach.

Patience and Progress

Healing takes time, and progress might not always be linear. Be patient with the process and the person going through it. Celebrate small victories and offer comfort during setbacks.

Therapy For Anxiety In San Francisco, Los Angeles, Santa Cruz, and All of California and Florida

Sometimes, anxiety can be overwhelming. You don't have to go through it alone. If you or your loved one is struggling with anxiety, seeking professional help can be a pivotal step in the healing journey. If you or your partner's anxiety is significantly affecting daily life, relationships, and work, it might be time to consider professional help.

Finding the Right Anxiety Therapist

The process of finding the right therapist can be a challenge, but it's worth the effort. Anxiety is a common struggle, and there is no shame in seeking help. We encourage you to reach out to our therapists for further assistance.