The Truth About Lies in Relationships: Why We Lie and How to Handle It
We've all had those moments when a white lie slips out. Whether it's about traffic, busyness, or how good that homemade lasagna is. Lying is part of human communication, and not all lies are bad. In fact, many are told with the best intentions, aimed at preserving relationships and sparing feelings. But when the truth eventually surfaces, trust can waver. More often than not, the motivation behind these lies is to protect the relationship itself. In such cases, assuming positive intent can be a powerful tool.
But there's another side to the story – the malevolent liars whose deceit aims to protect themselves over everything else. Let's get into the intricacies of lying in relationships. We'll explore why we do it, and how to navigate the balance between trust and truth.
The Whys Behind The Lies
Lies, both big and small, are part of our lives. Here’s a fun fact: 80% of people admit to lying to their therapist! And that makes sense. Again, lies are part of all relationships. They come in various shades, but two primary categories stand out – pro-social lies and malevolent lies.
Pro-Social Lies
Pro-social lies, often called white lies, are woven into the fabric of human interaction. They're told with good intentions, designed to maintain harmony, preserve feelings, and protect relationships. Who here hasn’t lied saying there was traffic when they simply didn’t leave on time? Whether it's praising a friend's questionable haircut or feigning delight over a gift, these lies are told to keep people close.
Malevolent Lies
On the flip side, malevolent lies are a different breed altogether. They serve the liar's interests at the expense of the relationship. These lies can be chronic and damaging, eroding trust and sowing discord.
The Power of Assuming Positive Intent
In a world where pro-social lies abound, assuming positive intent is important. It's the art of looking beyond the lie itself and recognizing the underlying motivation: to safeguard the relationship. This is easier said than done! But it’s an important starting place. Dr. John Gottman suggests that assuming positive intent is one of the daily habits that can fortify relationships.
White Lies in Relationships
Compliment Concealment
Jane noticed her partner, Mark, was excited about his new haircut, even though she didn't like it. She decided to compliment him, saying, "You look amazing!" Jane's white lie was told to boost Mark's confidence and make him feel good about his choice.
Dinner Delight
Sarah and Emma were enjoying a quiet evening at home when Emma tried out a new recipe. Although the dish didn't quite meet Sarah's taste preferences, she said, "This is delicious, babe!" to avoid hurting Emma's feelings and to encourage her culinary endeavors.
Gift Surprise
David had bought concert tickets as a surprise anniversary gift for his wife, Lisa. He accidentally left the ticket confirmation email open on the computer. When Lisa asked about it, David responded, "Oh, that's just a spam email," to maintain the surprise of the gift.
Late-Night Escape
Mia was dealing with a lot of stress at work and needed some alone time to unwind. She told her partner, Lily, that she was going out with colleagues after work. Then she spent the evening alone at the library. Mia's white lie was intended to ensure Lily didn't feel neglected and to give herself some much-needed self-care time.
Dealing With White Lies In Relationships
If you find your partner telling white lies, it's normal to feel hurt. It's also okay to gently confront them. You should also aim to find a solution. Try saying, "It really hurt me that you felt you couldn't say you wanted alone time. How can we figure out a way for you to get what you need without lying to me?" This shows that you value both of your needs.
Malevolent Lies In Relationships
Secret Spending
James had been overspending on their joint credit card for months, accumulating significant debt. He repeatedly lied to his wife, Maria, about their financial situation. This created a web of deceit that endangered their financial stability and trust.
Hidden Infidelity
Alex had been having an affair for several months while in a committed relationship with their partner, Jordan. Despite promising exclusivity, Alex continued to lie about their infidelity. This betrayed Jordan's trust and jeopardizing their relationship.
Inappropriate Friendship
Heather developed a flirtatious friendship with a coworker, Rob. She lied about the extent of their interactions from her partner, Chris. Heather's lies not only damaged trust but crossed boundaries, creating significant tension between her and Chris.
Double Life
Greg maintained a secret double life while in a committed relationship with his partner, Ryan. He had another partner, whom he had been seeing for years without Ryan's knowledge. Greg's lies not only shattered trust but also jeopardized both relationships, causing immense pain and heartbreak.
These examples illustrate the distinction between white lies and malevolent lies. White lies are typically told with good intentions to protect feelings and relationships, even if they do cause hurt. Malevolent lies serve the liar's interests and often lead to harm and broken trust within a relationship.
Navigating Chronic Lying In Relationships
When someone chronically lies for personal gain, it's time to assess their role in your life. Here, the balance shifts from assuming positive intent to evaluating the trustworthiness of the person.
Lies are inevitable in human relationships. What sets the course for trust and understanding is how we perceive those lies and whether we can discern the intent behind them. Whether it's a well-intentioned white lie or a malevolent deception, the key lies in understanding the motivation behind it. Then you can decide how to move forward.
The Role of Couples Therapy For Lying
When lies start to weave their way into a relationship, it can create a complex web of emotions and complications. Couples therapy can play a pivotal role in untangling the knots of deception.
Couples Therapy: A Space for Honesty
Couples therapy offers a neutral environment for partners to confront their truth. It provides a dedicated platform where both individuals can express their feelings, fears, and concerns . This allows the truth to surface. Without fear of immediate repercussions, a culture of honesty can flourish.
Identifying Underlying Issues
One of the primary roles of couples therapy in addressing lies is to go beneath the surface. It helps uncover the motivations behind the deception. Is it driven by fear, insecurity, or a desire to protect the relationship? A great couples therapist can guide the couple in exploring these issues, helping each partner understand the root causes of their actions.
Rebuilding Trust In Couples Therapy
Trust is often the casualty of lies in a relationship. It's like a fragile vase that shatters when deception is introduced. Couples therapy acts as the glue, assisting in piecing together the shards of trust. Therapists work with both partners to develop strategies for rebuilding trust. These strategies may include transparency, open communication, and a commitment to honesty.
Alexis Bibler, AMFT
Alexis is a couples therapist offering Gottman method couples therapy to people in California.
Coriann Papazian, LMFT
Coriann is a licensed couples therapist offering Gottman Method couples therapy for people in California and Florida
Learning Healthy Communication In Couples Therapy
Lies can often be the result of communication breakdowns within a relationship. Couples therapy equips partners with the tools they need to communicate well. This improved communication can act as a deterrent to future deception.
The Road to Recovery From Lying
The road to recovery after deception can be rocky. Couples therapy serves as a roadmap, guiding partners toward healing and reconciliation. It provides guidance on how to move forward, make amends, and rebuild their connection.
Building a Foundation of Honesty In Couples Therapy
Ultimately, the goal of couples therapy is to establish a foundation of honesty and authenticity. It helps both partners recognize the importance of truth and transparency. The idea that a healthy, thriving relationship is built on trust is reinforced.
Couples Therapy To Rebuild Trust
As licensed therapists, we've seen the dance of truth and trust in relationships. Recognizing that lies come in many forms, some aimed at preserving the bond and others at self-preservation, is the first step. Whether you're assuming positive intent or confronting chronic lying, the path to healthier relationships is in understanding the why behind the lie. Schedule a consultation today with one of our qualified couples therapists to start the conversation together.
