The Myth of Being “Completed” By Our Partners Is Making Us Unhappier In Relationships
We've all seen the romantic movies where the hero/ine finds their perfect partner, and suddenly, their life is "complete." This idea that a partner can "complete" us sounds appealing. But in real life, it leads to unhealthy relationship dynamics, unmet expectations, and codependency. The key to a fulfilling relationship is to be whole and happy as individuals and then come together in a way that elevates both your lives. Here's how to move beyond the myth of being "completed" by your partner and build healthier relationships.
Signs You Might Secretly Be Expecting Your Partner To Complete You
You feel “off” or anxious when you're not in contact
You constantly check your phone, worry if they haven’t texted back quickly, or feel uneasy when they’re busy. Their presence or absence affects your emotional stability more than feels comfortable.
You expect them to fix your feelings
You look to them to cheer you up, make decisions for you, or help you feel “whole.” Their validation feels like your emotional oxygen.
You idealize them
You overlook red flags or incompatibilities because you want the relationship to work so badly. You might think, “They’re the only one who truly understands me,” or “Without them, I’d be lost.”
You don’t feel like enough on your own
There’s a quiet fear that without this relationship, you wouldn’t be okay—or you wouldn’t know who you are. You might even say things like, “They complete me,” and mean it literally.
You make their needs more important than your own
You routinely put their feelings, time, and priorities first—even when it costs you your boundaries, rest, or sense of self. Deep down, you might be afraid they’ll leave if you don’t.
You avoid alone time
Being alone feels boring, empty, or even unbearable. You use the relationship to distract yourself from the discomfort of your own company.
You shape-shift to keep them close
You subtly shift your personality, interests, or opinions to match theirs. You want so badly to be loved, you lose track of your authentic self.
Why the "Completion” Myth is Problematic
Believing that a partner can complete you places a lot of pressure on both you and your relationship. It implies that you're not whole on your own and need someone else to make you feel fulfilled. While being in a relationship can be incredibly rewarding, it’s important to understand that your partner cannot, and should not, be the source of your happiness and self-worth. Expecting one person to meet all your emotional needs will strain and limit personal growth.
Understanding Independence, Codependence, Avoidance, and Interdependence
How you relate to your partner can have a big impact on the health of your relationship. Let’s look at some key relationship dynamics:
Independence
Independence means being self-sufficient and managing your own emotions and needs. Independent people feel secure in themselves and don't overly rely on others for happiness. This helps create a strong foundation for a healthy relationship. However, refusing to build a partnership or ever rely on your partner at all isn't independence; it's avoidance.
Codependence
In codependent relationships, partners rely on each other excessively, often tying their sense of self to the other person. This can create dysfunction, as each partner becomes too involved in managing the other's problems. Over time, this leads to to emotional enmeshment and loss of individual identity. Without an independent sense of self, anxiety increases and the relationship becomes strained. Strain creates more anxiety, which causes partners to cling together even more, which puts cracks in the relationship's foundation. A healthy relationship includes deep friendships and support outside the relationship as well a within it.
See also: What Is Codependency?
Avoidance
Some people avoid emotional intimacy by keeping others at a distance. They might substitute physical closeness for emotional connection, which prevents a deeper bond from forming. They may think they're asserting their independence, when in actuality they're pushing away. This is usually linked to stressful relationships with caregivers as a child.
Interdependence
This is the ideal healthy relationship. Interdependence involves mutual support, where both partners help each other grow while maintaining their own identities. Both partners have meaningful friendships and hobbies outside the relationship. The relationship enhances both lives without defining them. They rely on each other sometimes, but also get support from friends, family, and themselves. This diverse network of social connection is most secure and sustainable.
The Role of Attachment Styles
Attachment styles influence how we approach relationships and our expectations of our partners. The great news is that even though they are developed in childhood, they can be healed and changed.
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment are comfortable with emotional intimacy. They maintain a balance between connection and independence. They’re generally more interdependent, valuing both togetherness and personal space.
Anxious Attachment
Those with an anxious attachment style may feel incomplete without constant reassurance from their partner. This can lead to codependent behaviors, where one’s self-esteem hinges on the partner’s validation. We see lots of anxious folks in a pursuer-distancer pattern with an avoidant partner. &&&&
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant individuals often distance themselves emotionally to maintain independence. They're less likely to buy into the idea of needing someone to complete them. But their overall approach can lead to emotional detachment and difficulty connecting deeply.
Disorganized Attachment
Though rare, this style combines traits of anxious and avoidant attachment, leading to unpredictable behaviors. People with disorganized attachment might swing between seeking closeness and pushing partners away, complicating their sense of self and relationship dynamics.
Moving Beyond the “Completion” Myth
If you find yourself believing that your partner should complete you, it’s time to shift your mindset to build a healthier relationship. Let's aim for interdependence, not codependence. Here’s how:
Practice Self-Reflection
Take a moment to explore why you might feel incomplete. Are there personal needs or desires you're neglecting? Mirroring you didn’t get in childhood? Unhealed trauma? Understanding your own emotional landscape can help you grow as an individual and make you more secure in your relationship.
Seek Fulfillment On Your Own
Engage in activities, hobbies, and goals that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of your relationship. Building a strong sense of self through your interests reduces dependency on your partner for happiness.
Communicate Productively
Have effective conversations with your partner about your feelings and expectations. Productive communication fosters a balanced relationship where both partners understand and respect each other's needs. Try starting simple and concrete: pick one night a week you both do your own thing. You might also check out our article on how couples can move from codependence to interdependence.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Establish boundaries that protect your emotional well-being while allowing for a supportive partnership. Healthy boundaries help maintain the right balance between intimacy and independence. See also: Six Boundaries That Will Change Your Life.
Consider Therapy
Couples therapy, especially approaches like Gottman Method Couples Therapy, can help you address these issues. Nothing has to be terribly wrong to start couples therapy. A good couples therapist helps you improve communication and build a healthier relationship. There are tools and strategies to strengthen your connection and support personal growth.
Building Healthier Relationships with Couples Therapy in Los Angeles & San Francisco
If you’re struggling with the idea of being “completed” by your partner, couples therapy can help you build a stronger, more balanced relationship. Whether on your own or in couples therapy, our therapists are ready to help.
Seeking support from a therapist could be a great step towards a healthier, more resilient relationship. Don’t let the myth of completion hold you back; strive for a relationship where both partners are whole, happy, and supportive of each other’s growth.
Book a free consultation today and start your journey towards a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.
