How The Enneagram Can Help Couples
The Enneagram is quickly gaining popularity as a typology system. It appeals to many people, including those who find Myers-Briggs confusing. Because it focuses on motivation rather than behavior, it helps us understand why our friends and loved ones do the things they do. When we understand someone's motivation, it makes things less personal and increases empathy. This is hugely helpful to couples when addressing communication and conflict, especially for couples.
What Is The Enneagram?
The Enneagram is a 9-type system that captures people's motivations. You can read about each type in more detail here. In summary, the 9 types and motivations are as follows:
What Motivates Each Enneagram Type?
1 - The Reformer. Motivated by justice, to improve the world, to be right, to prove they are good and worthy, and the fear they are corrupt or evil
2 - The Helper. Motivated by care and concern for others, desire to nurture, desire to be loved, and the fear they are unlovable
3 - The Achiever. Motivated by success and admiration, desire to impress, vanity, and fear of failure
4 - The Individualist. Motivated to express emotion, to be seen and understood as a unique person, yearning for ease in life, and fear of being ordinary or misunderstood
5 - The Investigator. Motivated by desire for knowledge and expertise, niche interests, resource conservation, and fear of being seen as incompetent
6 - The Loyalist. Motivated by need for security, desire to feel connected, to protect what they care about, and the fear of authorities abusing power
7 - The Enthusiast. Motivated by a desire to live life to the fullest, experience the world, connect with others, and avoid emotional or physical pain at any cost
8 - The Challenger. Motivated by power and control, desire to maintain autonomy, fear of being controlled, and desire to protect others
9 - The Peacemaker. Motivated by deep desire to connect, feel at peace, be without conflict, and fear of being disconnected
How Do You Know Your Enneagram Type?
As you read the above, did some of the types' motivations resonate more than others? If so, that's where you should start looking to see if you've found your type. We don't recommend taking a test. Tests measure behavior, not motivation, and your type is determined by your motivation. Read type descriptions and see what feels uncomfortably familiar.
Check out this article: How To Determine Your Enneagram Type For Therapy
What If Multiple Types Feel True?
That's common! None of us feel 100% one type. But chances are there is one type that explains your motivation 60-70% of the time. Most people have what's called a "wing" on one side of their type. So if you're a type 3, you can have a type 2 or type 4 wing. Type 9s can have a type 8 or type 1 wing. Your wing gives you access to additional strengths and challenges.
Are There Any Bad Types?
No, there are no bad types! That's what makes the system so great. All types have beautiful strengths and common challenges. You can have a healthy, average, or unhealthy expression of each type. Therapy, both for individuals and for couples, can help you be the best version of your type that you can be.
Can Your Type Change?
No, your type cannot change. Life experiences might influence how your type expresses itself. You might lean into your type's "wing" more often. But your main type doesn't change.
How Can You Tell Your Partner's Enneagram Type?
The Enneagram isn't meant to be used as a party trick. Too often on social media and in casual conversation, people are quick to guess someone's Enneagram type. Only you can determine your own type, and only your partner can figure their type out. It's best to read about the types, because tests are not accurate at all.
Sometimes, when we've known someone a long time and understand their inner world well, we can have a good idea of their type. But it's best to have them confirm it. It can be a great conversation to have together.
How Can I Use The Enneagram With My Partner?
When both of you have some confidence in your Enneagram type, you can use the system when you're at a loss for why your partner does certain things. Does your partner need a lot of alone time? Do they avoid conflict? Start conflict? Figuring out the Why behind it makes it less personal. They're not avoiding conflict because they hate you. They might be avoiding conflict because it's deeply unsettling to them in a way it's not to you. The Enneagram de-personalizes differences and conflict and helps you understand their inner world.
Are There Any Bad Enneagram Couple Combinations?
Nope! There are certain combinations that might be more challenging than others. But if both partners are healthy and willing to do the work, any combination can be successful.
Common Challenges with Enneagram Pairings
The most common challenges we see are more related to attachment and introversion/ extroversion differences. The Enneagram can explain some of these.
Types 3, 7, and 8 tend to be outgoing and energetic, while types 4, 5, and 9 are more withdrawn and need alone time. But it's also common to see a more outgoing type with a more withdrawn type. They tend to attract each other because they offer complementary skills.
We also see conflict with level of emotional expression vs reservation. Types 2, 3, and 4 are ruled by emotion, while types 5, 6, and 7 are more cerebral and logical.
Enneagram Couples More Likely To Have Conflict
All combinations of couples are prone to conflict. It's just part of being in a relationship. But we see more conflict with couples who contain someone who is a type 1, 6, or 8, as these types tend to challenge each others. Ones are always seeking to improve and can come across as critical, which is likely to cause conflict. Sixes can be distrustful and cautious, which can create issues with trust and feelings of connectedness. And 8s fear being controlled or manipulated, so they often test relationships by instigating conflict to avoid vulnerability.
Enneagram Couples More Likely To Avoid
Any combination of types can be avoidant. However, avoidance of conflict is particularly present in couples with at least one type 3, 5, 7 or 9. Threes sometimes desire to appear successful and likeable, and are therefore not keen to argue or engage in conflict. Fives are constantly monitoring their energy and resources, and conflict is likely to deplete these precious reserves. Sevens seek to avoid emotional pain at all costs, making conflict difficult to tolerate. And 9s want to feel connected to others and often struggle to vocalize their needs and wants, avoiding conflict through lack of taking up space.
Enneagram Therapy For Individuals And Couples In California and Florida
If you're looking to deepen your connection to your partner and understand their inner world, Enneagram therapy for couples is a powerful tool. Our Enneagram therapists are ready to help! Book a free consultation for couples therapy today.
