How to Build And Update Your Love Maps: 10 Questions to Strengthen Your Relationship
A Love Map is your mental and emotional blueprint of your partner’s inner world. It includes everything from their favorite foods to their biggest life goals, current stressors, fears, and childhood memories. The stronger your Love Maps, the better equipped you are to handle conflict, support each other through life’s ups and downs, and stay connected for the long haul.
Love Maps are essential for meaningful connection to your partner. They're one of the first things we attend to in couples therapy.
Why Updating Love Maps Matter - Even If You've Been Together a Long Time
Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s research found that couples with rich, detailed Love Maps are more likely to feel satisfied, supported, and resilient in their relationships.
Relationships aren’t static; people change, grow, and face new challenges over time. What your partner wanted five years ago might not be what they need today. Just like any map, it needs to be updated as time goes on. Continuously updating your Love Maps helps you stay connected, curious, and engaged in each other’s evolving lives.
Love Maps become especially important during transitions—moving in together, getting married, having children, career changes, or managing grief and loss.
You can start building or updating your Love Maps anytime with a few intentional questions.
10 Questions to Build or Refresh Your Love Maps
Set aside 20–30 minutes, put your phones away, and take turns answering these questions. You might be surprised by what you learn, even if you’ve been together for years. After all, even the best maps need periodic updating.
What’s something you’ve been thinking about a lot lately? This opens the door to hear what’s your partner’s mind—without problem-solving or fixing. Many couples are aware of what's on their partner's mind, but pick up on more nuance, intensity, or detail they didn't previously know.
Who are your closest friends right now, and what do you value about those friendships? Friendships shape our emotional lives more than we realize. Understanding this helps you know who’s in your partner’s support system. Remember that your partner's friends are an essential part of their support system. Supporting their friendships supports the health of your relationship.
If you could travel anywhere in the next year, where would you go and why? A fun, low-pressure way to explore desires, interests, and future dreams. It can also help you start thinking about getting out of a stale routine and going on adventures. Even if you don't take any big trips, maybe you'll be more inclined to try out a new restaurant or activity together.
What’s been feeling stressful or heavy for you recently? A chance to check in on emotional well-being and offer support. If your partner answers this question briefly or evasively, try one of these eight questions to deepen conversation and show you're truly listening.
What does feeling loved look like to you right now? Love languages can shift. Just because you've always shown love a particular way, don’t assume you know what your partner needs without asking. In different seasons your partner may need different things, and they may not have figured out a way to ask directly. This offers them the opportunity to tell you.
What’s a childhood memory that still makes you smile—or still impacts you today? These stories often reveal deeply held values, fears, or needs. These core values, fears, and needs shaped your partner permanently, so listen closely! You might also get some insight into their Enneagram type, if you're interested in that.
What are you most proud of in your life right now? Celebrating each other’s growth builds connection and admiration. This question invites them to examine what they're great at, and what they've accomplished intentionally. Strong partnership makes plenty of space to celebrate success together.
How do you feel about the balance between work, rest, and fun in our lives? A great way to spark conversations about lifestyle alignment and shared priorities. Building a life together means working toward shared meaning, and this question moves in that directly.
What’s something small I could do to make your day easier or better this week? Love often lives in the little things. This question invites small, meaningful gestures. Maybe it's taking on meal prep for a few days, or doing some extra laundry, or picking up prescriptions. Or maybe it've giving your partner some alone time or an intermission from discussing a tense topic.
What’s something you’re hoping for—or working toward—in the next six months? Future-oriented questions help partners feel like teammates, not just cohabitants. Shared goals and values strengthen your bond!
How To Frame These Questions: A Note from a Couples Therapist
It doesn't matter how great your questions are if you don't truly listen. These questions aren’t about getting the “right” answer. They’re about being present, curious, and emotionally available. Gottman Method couples therapy emphasizes the power of turning toward each other. Turning toward each other means choosing connection, even in small moments. Building Love Maps is one part of doing that.
If you’re feeling disconnected, stuck in routine, or simply want to strengthen your emotional bond, focusing on Love Maps is a gentle but powerful place to start.
Love Maps Alone Are Not Enough
If you feel you and your partner have great Love Maps, congrats! But if Love Maps alone aren’t enough, we’re not surprised. There are many other critical skills for a successful relationship, including:
Nurturing fondness and admiration
Turning toward each other
Allowing influence
Solving solvable problems
Overcoming gridlock
Creating shared meaning
If one of the above sounds like it might be a good place to start to make improvements, our Gottman method couples therapists are ready to help. You can also sign up for our couples workbook using the form here.
Couples Therapy in Los Angeles and Online Across California
We offer Gottman Method couples therapy for all couples at all stages of relationship. Whether you're newly dating, engaged, or years into a committed relationship, our couples therapists can help you reconnect with warmth, curiosity, and intention.
Book a free consultation today and take the first step toward a more emotionally connected relationship.
