What to Do If You’re Smothering Your Partner: A Guide to Self-Soothing
So your partner just told you you’re smothering them. Ouch! That stings. If you’re wondering where to go from here, we’ve got a plan.
Realizing that you’re “smothering” in your relationship can be a tough pill to swallow. The desire to stay close to your partner is natural. But sometimes that desire can cross boundaries and become overwhelming for them. It’s important to address this pattern with self-compassion and self-awareness.
If you’re the one feeling smothered, we’ve got a separate article for you.
Why Smothering Happens
Smothering behaviors often stem from the attachment anxiety. Our attachment style is shaped by our early childhood experiences and dictates how we interact in relationships. It's our internal wiring that informs how we respond to emotional closeness or distance. People with anxious attachment have a fear of abandonment or rejection, which often leads them to seek excessive reassurance and emotional support. This can result in behaviors that feel suffocating or overwhelming to the partner.
See: The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic
To be clear, it's normal and healthy to want some reassurance and closeness with your partner. But the level and frequency of these bids for reassurance and closeness are creating tension between partners with different needs.
When someone with an anxious attachment style feels uncertain, they become clingy or demand too much attention. This is usually to avoid the perceived threat of abandonment. They may have trouble relaxing or self-soothing when left alone. They likely feel anxious and unsettled in moments of emotional distance or even minor conflict.
While these behaviors often arise from an understandable need to feel loved and secure, they can create tension and distance. Understanding that these patterns are rooted in attachment-related anxiety can give us a map to shift them over time.
Understanding and Healing Attachment Styles
Attachment is not a permanent trait; it can be healed with conscious effort and emotional work. Here’s a quick breakdown of the four attachment styles:
Secure Attachment. People with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness while also valuing independence. They are able to self-soothe and communicate their needs effectively in relationships. They report they highest levels of relationship satisfaction.
Anxious Attachment. Those with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and become overly dependent on their partner for emotional support. They may worry that their partner doesn’t love them enough or that the relationship will end suddenly, leading to smothering behaviors.
Avoidant Attachment. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to shy away from intimacy and closeness, often due to fear of being overwhelmed or losing independence. They may be uncomfortable with too much emotional dependence. Underneath, they really do want to feel connected, but not at the cost of their independence.
Disorganized Attachment. This style often arises from trauma, and individuals may display behaviors of both anxious and avoidant tendencies. They may struggle with trust and may feel unsafe in relationships. Being in a relationships with someone who has disorganized attachment can be pretty confusing.
If you identify with anxious attachment, know that healing is possible. You can still have fulfilling relationships. By becoming more aware of your triggers and practicing self-soothing, you can move toward a secure attachment style. You can develop a more balanced approach to your relationship that involves giving your partner space while maintaining healthy emotional connection.
Steps to Break the Pattern of Smothering
Recognizing smothering tendencies is the first step in healing. It’s important to understand that, at the core, smothering usually stems from fear; fear of loss, fear of rejection, and a lack of confidence in your own emotional grounding.
The good news is that smothering behaviors can be transformed. You can develop healthier ways to cope with your emotional needs and respect your partner's space. Here are several steps and holistic practices to consider as you work on breaking the smothering cycle:
Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation
Mindfulness is another effective practice for managing attachment anxiety. It involves becoming fully present in the moment, observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. By practicing mindfulness, you can develop a greater awareness of your emotions and learn to respond in a more grounded way. This prevents reacting impulsively with smothering behaviors.
Mindfulness. When you feel anxious or the urge to cling to your partner, take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. Ask, “What am I feeling right now? What do I need?” Often, anxious attachment arises from a deep need for emotional security, which is normal. Mindfulness allows you to recognize that you can meet that need within yourself sometimes, rather than relying solely on your partner. Finding balance between self-reliance and partner-reliance will go a long way toward supporting a healthy relationship.
Body-Based Practices. Somatic therapies, progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, and breathwork can help you become more aware of how anxiety shows up in your body. Body scanning and other somatic exercises can help you release tension and manage emotions that might otherwise lead to smothering behaviors.
Self-Soothing Techniques to Calm Anxious Attachment
The first step in healing anxious attachment is learning how to self-soothe. Instead of relying on your partner to regulate your emotions, it’s time to build emotional regulation skills. When you feel the urge to smother your partner, self-soothing practices can help calm your nervous system and reduce the impulse to seek excessive reassurance.
To be clear, it's normal and healthy to want support from your partner after a really bad day or during a time of high stress. But if your partner is your only source of support and regulation, that becomes unsustainable. See: What is codependence? and How To Stop Being Codependent
Here are some self-soothing techniques to try:
Deep Breathing. Slow, controlled breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming your body’s stress response. Take a few minutes to practice deep breathing when you start feeling anxious or overwhelmed. This grounds you in the present moment and reduces the emotional urgency to connect.
Grounding Exercises. Bring yourself back to the present. A popular method is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, where you identify five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This can help you reconnect with the present and manage overwhelming emotions.
Self-Affirmations. Practice repeating affirmations like, “I am enough,” or “I am safe, even if I am not with my partner right now.” Reassuring yourself through positive self-talk can shift your mindset and reduce attachment-related anxiety.
Body-Based Practices. Engaging your senses can help bring you into the present. We love squeezing a blanket around yourself, cuddling a pet, or doing stretching or yoga. You can also try progressive muscle relaxation.
SOS Strategies. Sometimes when we're first learning self-reliance, our nervous system freaks out and makes us feel like an emotion is an emergency. In these situations, try putting your face in water and holding your breath. You can also try squeezing ice cubes or snapping a rubber band around your wrist. We've got other SOS strategies here.
Developing Healthy Boundaries
The foundation of a healthy relationship is mutual respect for each other’s boundaries. If you’ve been smothering your partner, it’s time to practice setting and respecting boundaries—both for yourself and for them.
Create Space for Yourself. Make time for activities that nurture your own well-being and independence. Whether it’s exercising, reading, or pursuing a personal hobby, engaging in routines that don’t involve your partner will help you feel more balanced and secure.
Encourage Your Partner’s Independence. Support your partner’s need for alone time or personal space. Trust that their desire for space does not reflect a lack of love for you. Rather than seeing it as a threat, reframe it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship by allowing both partners to grow individually. That's different than growing apart.
Communicate Productively with Your Partner
Lastly, it’s important to have a productive conversation with your partner about what’s happening. Acknowledge that you’ve noticed the pattern of smothering and express a desire to make changes. By involving your partner in this process, you can work together to create a more balanced dynamic in the relationship.
Apologize and Be Transparent. Apologize for any discomfort your behavior may have caused and express that you’re actively working on managing your emotions. Transparency builds trust and reassures your partner that you’re committed to growth.
Create New Relationship Norms. Together, discuss how to create new norms for communication and emotional connection. Setting healthy relationship boundaries can help both partners feel more secure and respected.
What If You Don't Think You Have An Anxious Attachment Style?
Most of the time the smothering-distancing dynamic happens when one partner is anxious and the other is avoidant. We've got a separate article for people feeling smothered here, and an article on why this is such a common pairing. In fact, it's the most common pairing out there other than secure-secure pairings! But on occasion, there are partnerships where one partner is secure and the other is highly avoidant. If you don't think your bids for affection are unreasonable, it's possible their need for space and independence is the thing causing the issue.
To be clear, an avoidant partner also has work to do to build a healthy partnership. We've got more to say about that. But this article is focused on the person seeking excessive reassurance.
Healing Attachment: Individual and Couples Therapy In California & Florida
Healing attachment is not only possible, it’s necessary for building a fulfilling relationship. You can shift from anxious attachment to a more secure, balanced relationship. This will feel better for both of you.
Remember, anxious attachment often stems from early-life experiences, but it’s never too late to heal. You can create a more secure attachment, which will bring peace to you and increase satisfaction in your relationship. You deserve a relationship where both you and your partner feel autonomous and loved.
Reach out today to begin your journey toward healing and relationship fulfillment.
