Want to Feel Close Again? Try This To Strengthen Your Relationship
When couples say they feel disconnected, they often think the answer is more date nights or intense conversations. While those things are helpful, one often-overlooked way to rebuild emotional intimacy is much simpler: do something together that matters to both of you.
Shared projects, especially ones that align with your mutual talents, interests, or values, create a sense of togetherness, collaboration, and pride. They activate what the Gottman Method calls Shared Meaning. This is the part of a relationship that goes beyond logistics and communication into purpose, identity, and legacy.
If you and your partner have been feeling like roommates, co-parents, or ships passing in the night, consider starting a project together. When you work together toward something meaningful, you remember how to be a team again.
What Makes a Shared Project Powerful?
Not every task brings you closer. Scrambling through an IKEA assembly can backfire fast. And slipping into a familiar dynamic of one person being the default organizer also doesn't do anything to bring you closer. But when the project taps into your shared interests, complementary strengths, and long-term values, it becomes more than a to-do list. It becomes a relationship ritual.
Shared projects are most effective when they:
Reflect something you both care about
Involve creativity, decision-making, or problem-solving
Let each partner contribute in their own way
Don't reinforce an unhelpful relationship dynamic
Build a sense of accomplishment or joy
Create moments of fun, affection, or mutual pride
Example: The Renovators
Maya and Brianna, both high-achieving professionals, came into couples therapy feeling disconnected. Their work lives were full of collaboration and success, but at home, they barely spoke beyond the basics. Conversations turned logistical or tense, and intimacy had dropped off completely.
During a couples therapy session, they remembered how much they used to love rearranging their college apartments together. They loved finding thrifted treasures and creating cozy, personal spaces. That spark led them to co-design a reading nook in their new home.
They planned a weekend project that included selecting colors, building a bookshelf, and creating a plant-filled space to unwind. Each brought their strengths; Maya handled structure and budget, and Brianna brought creativity and warmth.
Through this project, their emotional connection deepened. It became a springboard for weekly rituals: tea in the reading nook and small Sunday check-ins.
Example: Rebuilding Affection in the Dirt
Jon and Lisa came to therapy after years of growing apart. They loved each other but struggled to communicate. Jon wanted to "fix" their issues with big talks. Lisa just wanted to feel safe and close without pressure to be emotionally vulnerable all the time.
Their therapist suggested focusing on something that wouldnโt require constant emotional labor, but could still build trust. They remembered how much they both loved being outside. So, they decided to plant a backyard garden together.
It started small: a raised bed for herbs and tomatoes. They spent a day in the sun, planning layouts, choosing seeds, and watering their tiny plot. Over time, those calm, hands-in-the-dirt moments softened the tension between them.
Jon stopped pushing for heavy conversations. Lisa began initiating small moments of affection. Slowly, they found their rhythm again.
Example: The Community Builders
Sophie and Kayden had always had strong communication, but life had become routine. Their evenings were dominated by TV and phones. Intimacy was okay, but felt more like a habit than a joy. They wanted something that brought back the spark.
They both valued community and wanted to be more involved in their neighborhood but werenโt sure where to start. After a walk one evening, they noticed how many families were outside chatting on porches or playing in the street. That night, they created a plan to host a summer block party.
They spent weeks planning together: designing flyers, recruiting neighbors, choosing games and food. The event turned into a huge success, and a huge reconnection. Seeing each other in leadership, watching each other shine, collaborating under pressure reminded them why they fell in love.
After the party, they kept going. Monthly community potlucks, a shared newsletter, a little free library. These werenโt just events. They were rituals of connection.
Projects For Shared Meaning
If your relationship feels flat or distant, you donโt need to wait for a vacation or couples therapy breakthrough. Sometimes the path back to connection is through your hands, not just your heart.
Shared projects, when rooted in what matters to you both, can:
Deepen your emotional bond
Rebuild a sense of teamwork
Reduce resentment by highlighting strengths
Bring play and creativity back into your relationship
What Not To Do When Exploring A Project To Do As A Couple
It goes without saying that you shouldnโt do anything one of you doesnโt want to do. You also shouldnโt pick something that is likely to lead to conflict. For example, if you always disagree about how best to paint a room, donโt choose painting a room together.
Donโt pick something that only appeals to one person
Donโt go into a project where one partner is doing all the directing
Donโt pick a project that strains your finances or other relationships
Donโt start a big project during a stressful time
Ideas For Couple Projects
Here are some suggestions for projects to do together. But be sure you have your partnerโs full buy-in, otherwise youโll be dragging them into a replication of the current pattern of distance.
Redesign a Room Together
Choose a space in your home to refresh, whether it's painting a wall, creating a reading nook, or rethinking storage. Make it a reflection of both of your styles and needs.
Make a List Of Things In Your City You've Never Done. Be it a theme park, restaurant, local attraction, or community event, try to do one a month. Make falling in love with your city a couple's goal.
Start a Garden (Big or Small)
Whether itโs a backyard vegetable plot or a few herbs on the balcony, planting and nurturing something together helps slow you down and connect in a low-pressure way.
Volunteer for a Cause You Both Care About
Find a local organization or mutual aid group and commit to one shared shift per month. Giving back together creates a shared sense of purpose.
Host a Block Party, Game Night, or Dinner Series
Plan something that brings people together. Bonus points if it becomes a tradition. Use each partnerโs strengths (organizing, cooking, music, etc.).
Make a Photo Album or Scrapbook of Your Relationship
Sort through digital photos or old memories and create something tangible. It's a chance to reflect on how far youโve come together.
Start a Couples Book Club
Choose books around a themeโtravel, justice, love, foodโand create regular โreview nightsโ where you talk about what moved or challenged you.
Take a Class or Workshop Together
Pick something fun or slightly out of your comfort zone: pottery, dance, cooking, or self-defense.
Create a Monthly Ritual Box
Come up with a few small rituals you want to practice each month, like writing love notes, picking a โvalues wordโ of the month, or doing one new experience together. Store supplies or prompts in a shared box.
Plan a Micro-Retreat at Home
Design a weekend just for the two of you. Include activities like journaling, intention setting, shared meals, a โdigital detox,โ or massage. Make it feel like a reset without leaving town.
Dream and Plan a Shared Future Goal
Whether itโs a move, a business, a creative project, or financial visioning, dreaming together about the future helps you remember what youโre building.
Whether itโs redesigning a room, planting a garden, or planning a community event, remember the magic isnโt in the outcome, itโs in doing it together.
Couples Therapy In Los Angeles & San Francisco
Our couples therapists use the Gottman Method couples therapy and holistic therapy to help partners turn toward each other again. Schedule a free consultation for couples therapy in Los Angeles, San Francisco, or anywhere in California.
