A Therapist Explains Why Love Shouldn't Be Unconditional

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The concept of unconditional love is often depicted as the purest, most noble form of love. It knows no bounds or limitations. The thought of it feels good. But is unconditional love truly attainable? Let's explore the idea and how it intersects with the realities of human relationships.

Defining Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is often described as a love that knows no boundaries or restrictions. It's portrayed as a love that persists through any circumstance, mistake, or betrayal. In the realm of parenthood, the love between a caregiver and a child is often cited as a prime example of this unwavering affection.

The Reality of Love In Adult Relationships

While the idea of unconditional love is beautiful, adult relationships introduce complexity. Adults come into relationships with their own histories, personalities, and baggage. They have needs, expectations, and boundaries that must be respected. In this context, expecting love to be unconditional can be unrealistic and even harmful.

Why Some Conditions On Love Are Necessary

It may come as a shock to some that therapists believe there should be conditions on love. But let's explore why these conditions are important.

Meaning

Things that are finite have meaning in a way that infinite things do not. Think about it: death gives meaning to life. Divorce gives meaning to marriage. Conditions make meaning of love. If love had no conditions, it would be meaningless.

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The Power Of Choice

The continual choosing of you as a partner or friend is meaningful. When someone chooses you, they are making a declaration of trust and care. The ongoing and repeated choosing of you over others is important and special. If they don't have the ability to continually choose you, the relationship is hollow and turns into obligation.

Love only has meaning when it is freely given. If there are no conditions or ability to revoke it, it has no value.

Respect and Boundaries

In healthy adult relationships, respect for each other's boundaries is crucial. While love can be deep and profound, it should not be used as a justification to overstep someone's boundaries. It's also not a reason to tolerate disrespectful behavior. In the extreme the concept of unconditional love can keep people trapped in cycles of horrific abuse and violence.

Personal Growth

Adults continue to grow and change throughout their lives. It's essential that love supports this growth and allows individuals to evolve without fear of losing love. Knowing that love has some conditions can encourage personal development. It also inspires accountability: both partners work together to meet each other's needs.

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Personal Morality and Values

When someone acts in a way that substantially conflicts with your values, you are not obligated to continue loving them. People who commit violent or harmful crimes and show a lack of regard for the rights of others don't need to be part of your life. When we get new information about someone, it should be used to inform our choices about their role in our lives.

Safety

Love should always prioritize safety—both physical and emotional. In situations where one's safety is compromised, it's necessary to put conditions on love. You shouldn't feel obligated to love someone who hurts you or others.

Mutual Fulfillment

Love is ideally a two-way street. Both partners should contribute to each other's well-being. Conditions on love can ensure that both individuals receive the care, attention, and respect they deserve.

Why The Idea Of Conditional Love Is Tough

We all want to be deeply understood, known, and loved. We want to feel chosen. We want to know that we can make mistakes without being abandoned. And so long as we are abiding by the conditions listed below, we are deserving of love.

Conditions For Love

Don't worry, the conditions for love are minimal. You do not need to be the absolute best version of yourself to be lovable. You don't need to be perfect. You can be a messy work in progress and still meet all the conditions for love:

Choice
Respect
Values
Safety
Mutual fulfillment

The Exception: Unconditional Love for Children

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Unconditional love is the foundation of a healthy parent-child relationship. For children, unconditional love means that their parents' love is unwavering, regardless of their behavior or circumstances. This kind of love offers a secure and nurturing environment for a child's emotional and psychological development. It allows them to make mistakes, learn, and grow without the fear of losing their parents' love. Unconditional love sets the stage for children to build self-esteem, develop resilience, and form secure attachments. Because the parent-child relationship is NOT based on mutuality, there should be no conditions. It is the parent's job to love the child, full stop.

Loving Without Liking

One of the most relatable experiences of parenting is loving your child deeply and not liking them very much. During difficult stages and behaviors, it's okay to dislike your child's behavior and attitude. But it's important to never make a statement about the child. One of the most powerful things you can say during tough moments is this: "I love you very much, and I do not like your behavior right now." Differentiating between their character and behavior is critical. It helps them understand they have the agency to make better choices. Their behavior isn't pre-programmed and can be changed.

This can also happen in adult relationships. Sometimes, people's behavior is difficult, but doesn't qualify as a condition of love. A spouse may leave a full sink of dirty dishes they promised they'd do. A friend may flake on plans. A sibling make say something hurtful during an argument. We've all done those things. But unless these behaviors become consistent to the point of condition, you can love them and not like their behavior.

The Complexity of Family Relationships and Unconditional Love

Therapists often help people grapple with difficult questions and relationships. No relationships are more complex than those with people you're related to. Some adult children feel guilty at the thought of saying they don't love their parent, even if the parent has been abusive. Some people feel guilty for withdrawing love and affection from a relative who has hurt or betrayed them. These complex feelings are normal. It's okay to take time to grapple with your feelings for family members who are unwell.

You might be interested in this article on dealing with difficult in-laws.

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When Love Turns Into Obligation

People with unhealthy family members may find themselves engaging out of obligation instead of love. That's normal. It's also very difficult. There is a lot of messaging that we need to love our family members unconditionally. But remember that love without choice is meaningless. Perhaps you do decide to caretake for an elder who is disrespectful and unappreciative. But you don't have to love them. It's important not to conflate the two. In fact, recognizing your feelings as obligation rather than love can be freeing. Honoring an obligation is less taxing than feeling guilty that you don't feel love for someone who hasn't met the conditions.

Unconditional Love and Parentified Children

Those who take on caregiving roles for their parents or siblings at a young age often face a unique struggle. We refer to these people in adulthood as parentified children. Despite caring deeply for their parents, they might feel an obligation to love them. Even when their parents' behavior is difficult, painful, or inconsistent, they feel they should love. This obligation arises from a desire to maintain family harmony and a fear of disrupting the fragile family balance. It's also a reversing of what should be happening: the parent unconditionally loving the child. When the child has become the parent, they model what should be happening.

These children can find it hard to establish boundaries with their parents. They may feel compelled to offer emotional support or overlook their parents' flaws to keep the peace. This emotional burden can lead to complex feelings. Guilt, resentment, and a longing for authentic connection abound.

In therapy, parentified children can explore these feelings of obligation. They learn to distinguish between unconditional love and enabling behavior. They can learn to set healthy boundaries. They can come to understand that loving doesn't mean sacrificing themselves. Therapy helps parentified children navigate these challenges and maintain their independence.

It’s Okay That Love Between Adults Is Conditional

While the concept of unconditional love remains a beautiful ideal, some conditions on love are necessary. These conditions promote mutual respect, personal growth, safety, and the fulfillment of both partners' needs. True love in adulthood should be a partnership built on choice. It allows for understanding, compromise, and the recognition that love, though deep and profound, respects the boundaries and evolving nature of each individual.

Teletherapy Options For Couples Therapy, Trauma Therapy, and Difficult Family Situations in California & Florida

Ready to explore how therapy can help navigate the complexities of love and relationships in California? Our teletherapy services offer a safe space to unpack your feelings, set boundaries, and foster healthy connections. Reach out today to start your journey towards understanding and fulfillment.